rachelpaz

I was chatting with a colleague last week, and she leaned in and asked, “So how did you get to be a dating coach, anyway?” I took a deep breath, knowing that what I was about to say would likely change the trajectory of the conversation. Then I told her all about how during the process of my marriage unravelling, I realized how lacking the development of my sexuality had been, and how sad that made me feel. I told her of my commitment then and there to do something about that, and how that led me to a practice called Orgasmic Meditation.

She stopped cold, her mouth gaping open. “What?”

Me, with the knowing smile (this is how it usually goes): “Yeah, it’s a partnered practice where the woman takes off her pants, lays down on some pillows, and a stroker (usually a man) strokes the upper-left-hand quadrant of her clitoris with his index finger for 15 minutes with no goal in mind.”

In between her doing a quick Google search and sorting out what all of that might mean in her brain, I shared that my life had been so profoundly changed by this practice that I became a certified trainer so I could share it with others. I also explained that the experiences I’d had and the lessons I’d learned during the course of my practice are the foundation of what I do with the women that I coach – with the exception being that my clients get to keep their pants on. 🙂

A few of the core principles that I’ve been exposed to, and what I now teach are:

• Agreeing on what’s going to happen helps people relax and open up
• Expanding your ability to feel (as opposed to think) deepens your trust with yourself. If you can trust yourself, you can do anything you want
• Doing what we think we should instead of doing what we want usually just means we take a really long road to getting what we want, or we never get it
• Forcing something to happen almost guarantees that it won’t
• Telling the truth and being vulnerable brings people together
• It is more than ok to want what you want
• If you don’t hold clear boundaries, no one else will hold them for you
• As a woman, you don’t have to justify your existence through what you do; you can simply exist and that is enough
• Life is always going to have ups and downs; it’s not about mitigating the damage (or the downs), but about living it in a way that has you feel the most alive

And that’s the short list. There is so much more.

While I don’t believe that Orgasmic Mediation is for everyone, the principles are extremely valuable for navigating life, and especially relationships.

It’s not about sex, and it’s not not about sex. Fundamentally, it’s about how to live a life in acceptance of who you are and what you want. (This probably includes some aspects of sex – which isn’t so bad, right?)

You see, intimacy is the thing we all crave so desperately because it allows us to fully see and know ourselves. We get to know things about ourselves that we can’t possibly know in isolation. When true intimacy is achieved, it feels so beautiful and familiar, because you’ve come home to who you really are.

More than three years of research into this realm has taught me so much more than I ever thought I could know about myself. I love using the tools I’ve gained to support you all in having the relationships that you want. Pants optional, of course!*

I imagine this post has sparked lots of comments and questions for you. Feel free to leave them in the comments below, or email me directly with them.

*Get your mind out of the gutter! Pants are optional because I work with my clients remotely, so you can wear pants while we’re on a call or not…totally up to you! 🙂

Oh, you lovely independent woman, you. Since you are one, I imagine that you already know one of your worst nightmares in dating is being vulnerable. You probably do a lot of calculating about when the right time to be vulnerable is. And you probably avoid it like hell in the early dates.

Here’s the thing. You go on dates to find connection. And the things you do, especially in the early stages, to avoid being vulnerable end up creating disconnection. So even if there’s an amazing guy in front of your face, if you’re avoiding saying the thing that feels vulnerable, the connection between the two of you will be off.

A few days ago I taught a dating workshop. During the workshop, a pretty specific question came up about who pays on a first date. I will go on record saying I do not give a shit who pays. It doesn’t matter. What matters is in the dance leading up to the moment of paying the check, the stories that pop up in our minds and how they inform our decisions and what we share with our date (or not).

How this looks in real life

Let’s look at one scenario and a few possible outcomes to see how avoiding the real thing creates problems. And then we’ll look at how you being vulnerable could actually help the situation.

Scenario:

Via text or phone, a man suggests that he would like to take you to a fancy restaurant on your first date. You’d love to go to this restaurant, but you aren’t sure if he’s paying and you know you can’t afford it. You’ve also had the experience of men thinking that when they pay, you owe them something in return (usually in the physical realm.)

How it plays out:

1. You suggest a different, less expensive restaurant. He agrees, but feels a little defeated. His confidence in whether he can plan a date that pleases you is a bit shaken. And he doesn’t understand why someone claiming to be a foodie in their online dating profile would decline going to the restaurant he suggested. He’s confused and wonders if you aren’t as excited about him as he is about you.

2. You agree, but when you get there, you order a side salad. There are awkward moments every time the waiter approaches your table because clearly your date wants you to enjoy yourself, but you decline wine and dessert. His takeaway is that you are awkward and have the appetite of a small bird. He’s not sure he wants to see you again – as dating someone who doesn’t just want to enjoy life to the fullest isn’t really his cup of tea.

3. You agree to the restaurant, hoping he’ll pay. You try to relax and enjoy yourself, but are kind of dreading the moment when the check arrives. The check comes, and you decide it’s good timing to sneak off to the bathroom, giving him plenty of distraction-free time to take care of it. His takeaway is that you “expect” to be treated and he doesn’t feel appreciated. He was planning to pay, but he doesn’t want to date someone that doesn’t appreciate him or his gestures.

There are now three different takeaways (that aren’t true) based upon you not wanting to say that you can’t afford the restaurant. In each of these situations, your date is forming thoughts based on your actions that will help him decide whether you have a good connection and whether he wants to see you again. How frustrating that he’s making those choices based on things that aren’t true!

Stop avoiding being vulnerable and do this instead.

Upon his initial invitation, you just tell the truth:

“I would love to go to that restaurant – I’ve heard amazing things about it!”

And then express what has you feel hesitant:

“I notice there are a couple of things that have me feeling hesitant to say yes. One is that the restaurant feels like more money than I can/want to spend on a first date right now. If you’re treating, I’d be happy to go, or we can chose a different spot.”

Let’s say he decides to treat you. Then move on to your next hesitation:

“In the past, when men have taken me out to fancy dinners and picked up the check, my experience has been that they expect something in return from me for that. I’m clear that I don’t want to create that type of expectation.”

What your vulnerability sets the stage for

In the examples above, you’ve done a couple of things. You’ve spoken up for yourself. You’ve shown you can initiate difficult conversations, and that you aren’t afraid to talk about things that don’t usually get talked about. You’ve also shown that you are more concerned with how you feel than how smooth or casual you come across. Lastly, you’ve given him CHOICE in the situation. When he knows where you stand, he has a choice to opt-in or opt-out. (I know for a fact that men in particular hate being tricked or manipulated into any situation. You will always been seen as a class act when you give them the information that they need to make a choice they can feel good about.)

Whatever agreement you come to, you both now know exactly what’s what, so guess what? You can just relax and enjoy each other’s company – getting to know one another without the hidden layers of strategy or hiding or pretending.

Try it for yourself, and let me know how it goes! Below in the comments, share one thing that you avoid saying in the early stages of dating that could make a difference in how your dates go!

It’s Independence Day in America, so I thought I’d take a moment to address the idea of independence. You see, most of us ladies wear our independence as a badge of honor. “I don’t need a man. I can handle myself.”

And it is a badge of honor, to a certain extent. We independent women work hard for what we want. We earn it. We deserve it. We don’t need to have it given to us. We have persevered. We don’t settle for things we don’t want. We are hard on ourselves and we are hard on others.

We’ve also been taught that men like independent women. Guess what? That’s not true! A man saying he wants an independent woman is really just a code word for wanting a woman who isn’t emotionally needy. And by this, I don’t mean women who don’t have or express emotions. I mean women who expect one man to meet their every emotional need.

(There is a huge difference, and I’d be wiling to bet you aren’t the woman he’s trying to avoid. But to be honest, in your efforts to not be emotionally needy, lots of you have stopped expressing emotions in front of men, which is one of the things they tend to like most about us – our access to emotions, and our ability to feel. If you aren’t expressing your emotions in front of a man, chances are he won’t stick around too long, or you’ll quickly enter the friend zone.)

Love & Sex Are Non-Negotiable

Well, I hate to break it to you, but that business about not needing a man…? It’s not true…at least not for very long. It is innately human to want love and connection. Hell, it’s even part of Maslow’s Hierarchy – the third rung on the pyramid, to be exact. Humans need to love and be loved – both sexually and non-sexually – by others.

Hold on. I’m not saying that means you need to find the first guy willing to say yes and march down the aisle with him. (I find marching down the aisle to be overrated, but that’s for another time.) Love (sexual and non-sexual) comes in so many different forms. And sometimes taking time to be with and get to know yourself is really valuable as well. But I see so many women denying that wanting love is even on their radar.

Instead, you say things like, “I’m too independent to be in a relationship.” Saying that you are too independent for that is really just a way to not have to admit that it feels vulnerable or scary. And sister, I’m here to call bullshit on that. I’m here to say that it’s totally fine to be scared shitless of being intimate with another human being, or to be afraid to lose who you are because you want to be loved so badly, or any array of reasons that has you scared to actually find love.

But by denying that you want intimate connection in your life, you are actually cutting yourself off from a critical component of nourishment.

I’ve been there. I know it well. 

Once I stripped off the layers of independence, I realized I needed touch, I needed love, I needed sex. I cringed to admit those things at first. I cringed because in the past, having those things came at a cost to me. The cost was I forgot who I was. (And no amount of love was worth that, because it made me hate myself.)

So, I started to wonder, what if? What if I could have touch, love, sex, intimacy, without giving myself up? And that’s when the magic happened. (Ok, it wasn’t entirely magic, I had to put in some work.) But when I actually acknowledged that I wanted those things – and I wanted to keep myself intact at the same time – I saw so clearly all the things I could do differently to have that be possible. I didn’t have to fundamentally change who I was; I just had to treat myself just as importantly as I did the guys I dated.

Real Independence

I now know that real independence, true independence, is when we don’t abandon ourselves for something outside of ourselves (in this case, a man). We learn how to share in relationship with another person while we are in the most committed relationship we’ve ever had to ourselves. We listen to the voice within. We speak up. We connect first to ourselves so we can have the most true connection with someone else. That is real independence, my friends.