rachelpaz

I’m in a pretty direct mood today, so I’m just gonna start this article with the punchline, so there’s no doubt about what I’m trying to share:

When you need or want something and you substitute it with something else that placates the need or want that you actually have, but doesn’t quite scratch the itch, that’s called numbing. And when you numb yourself, you are settling.

I’m on a tired kick lately. It feels like everywhere I go, people are telling me how tired they are. When I respond with some form of, “Can you give yourself some space to rest?” I literally get punched in the mouth.

Ok, that doesn’t really happen, but the response is so vehemently extreme that it’s pretty much like that.

I’m sorry? Did I suggest you rob a bank? Commit pre-meditated murder? Since when is taking a break a crime?

Want rest? Duh, Rachel, the obvious answer is nah, just more caffeine, please. The only real question is whether I want it black or with cream.

No one, absolutely no one, can tell me that a cup of coffee is as good as a full night of sleep. Or a nap. Or even 15 minutes of quiet with my eyes closed.

But caffeine makes us forget that we are tired. Makes us numb to the fact that we haven’t gotten enough rest, that our bodies know best what we need.

And yet, we settle for caffeine because we think we have to. We think that actual rest isn’t available to us for some reason. We think that if we walk away from our desks or our kids or our friends for a minute, the whole world will fall apart.

Guess what? It totally doesn’t! Guess what else? The only one asking you to accept that standard as acceptable is you.

Wait, that may not be entirely true. I’m going to amend that statement. If someone else is telling you that being tired and not being able to rest doesn’t matter at all to them, I would recommend you seriously reconsider whether you want to spend any time with this person whatsoever.

Settling is super subtle. It’s also culturally appropriate (and encouraged).

Where are the other places we settle by accepting a shitty substitute for the thing we actually need or want?

Want to stop feeling bad/uncomfortable/anything negative? Cool, going to a bar and having a couple drinks gets close, at least for a little while.

Want that little space inside that feels empty to get filled up? Fill your tummy with some Ben & Jerry’s and a good movie to distract you.

Want connection? Post on Facebook or Instagram and feel validated by the likes and comments you get, all while hiding the part of you that feels vulnerable for wanting connection.

The problem with these fixes is that they all work for a little while…but then we’re back to the same place a short time later, only now we’re 10 pounds heavier, drinking a bottle of wine every night, as we voraciously consume social media.

Temporary and superficial don’t work. Plain and simple, it’s settling.

To be fair, you may not always know what you need or want. 

Last week I hurt my neck. I tried massage, stretches, natural muscle relaxers, heating pads, just about everything I could think of to knock out the damn pain because it hurt so badly. And, I couldn’t really afford to lay around for 5 days staring at the ceiling while it sorted itself out.

A few days in, a friend of mine asked me, “Have you asked your neck what it needs?” I know I looked at him like he had two heads, but I did it anyway. And the words that popped into my brain were, “a soft place to land.”

After he left, I immediately made the softest, cushiest blanket and pillow nest I possibly could out of my bed. Surprisingly, I felt near-instant relief.

Over the next few days, I just kept asking, and words kept popping into my head. Ice. Heat. Fresh air. More rest. In the course of a day, my pain went from a wanting-to-cry-constantly 8 to a very tolerable, almost unnoticeable 3.

Bottom line: when you have a complaint or a struggle, ask yourself what you need, what you want. And…here’s the kicker: do that.

What does this have to do with relationships, you ask?

Right. Well, if you have a tendency to settle in little ways in your day to day life, those same patterns will also show up in your relationships. Want to know if your habits make you likely to settle in your next relationship? Go here to get my guide: Never Settle Again: 7 Everyday Behaviors Setting You Up To Fail.

I told a man I love him today. Odd, because he’s not my boyfriend. We’re not even dating.

We were dating once upon a time, but I didn’t tell him I loved him then. I’m pretty sure I knew it, but wasn’t ready to admit it. I wasn’t sure if it would be reciprocated. I do know that every interaction I had with that man was and is so full of love that it now feels a little silly to say that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to express it, since love was oozing out of my being in every other way possible.

Why did I tell him today?

Two reasons, really. The first is that my body is pretty remarkable at yelling at me if something is off. (It’s a wonderful gift and something I curse simultaneously. The only way for me to stop cursing it is to listen to it sooner!) My body has been yelling at me for days, after a recent interaction with him. I can barely move my neck and I’m in a ton of pain.

The second is that it started to be so painfully obvious to me that I was avoiding it. I was creating other problems and pointing to them, wanting him to address those. But really, they were all just a roundabout way of saying, “I love you, and I just want to be loved back.”

Because I wasn’t sure about the loved back part, I added on top of that other reasons why I should just ignore it. He didn’t deserve it. We aren’t together. I need to move on. It might hurt.

Stop Abandoning Yourself

The thing I can appreciate about my neck hurting is that it wouldn’t let me forget that there was something inside of me needing to be said, needing attention, needing acknowledgement.

Anytime you ignore a part of yourself that wants to be expressed, you tell yourself it doesn’t matter, that it isn’t important.

It may not be important to the person you share the moment or the feeling with, but it sure as hell is important to you. You know, when you feel slighted and you don’t say anything. When you’re sad about a breakup or a date not working out, but he’s already made his decision about it, so what’s the point? When your mom really pissed you off, but what’s done is done and you can’t change her and you’re over it. There’s something in there that you want to express.

Today when I told him I love him, I had to wait for a while for any kind of response. And in the waiting, I felt such relief. It was as if the thing I’d been holding in with my words for so long finally got to be alive out in the world. Parts of my body that have been super tense for days relaxed. My chest felt expanded, like I could breathe better. I felt the weight of my words holding me in my solidly in my seat.

I am a fuller human being today for having shared those words. And when we walk away from those opportunities because we think it doesn’t matter, or it won’t change anything, we are only denying that fullness to ourselves. 

If you aren’t willing to pay attention to what is true in the deepest parts of you, you’ll always be hungry for more. No one will ever be enough until you own that all of you deserves to be expressed (and you find a way to express it).

So, give it a try this week. Give that little voice inside a little extra attention. What’s the thing you’re avoiding because it feels insignificant? What’s the thing you really want to say, but feels like it won’t change anything? Try it. Do it. Say it. And see how it makes you feel. (And then tell me all about it below!)

I had a client share with me last week that no one is attractive when she’s tired. I loved this, because it is so true. It’s relatively simple to walk into a room and look around and say, “No one here is attractive.” (Here, the issue is external – the outside world is not cooperating with your desires.) It’s much more astute to notice what about you might be contributing to that perception. (Here, the power is in taking responsibility for the thing you can control: you.)

Think about how you feel when you’re on vacation. You’re lying on the beach, sipping a cool drink, reading a book…you notice the sounds of the ocean, you appreciate the smell of the salty air. Your senses are all heightened because you have space to notice them. Everyone that walks by is tanned, glowing and happy. And chances are good that you can find something attractive about most of them.

Now flip that switch back to the daily grind. You commute, you work your ass off, you then you commute some more. You can barely be bothered to look up from your book (wait, who are we kidding, I mean cell phone) to see if there are any hotties on the bus with you.

So not only is it difficult to see people as attractive when you are tired or stressed, it is also difficult to feel attractive in this state.

When we are tired, overwhelmed, overworked, and on the verge of burnout, we feel scarcity.

There is inherently not enough. 

And sometimes those feelings of scarcity lead to anger and resentment. You’re secretly frustrated with the world that you work so damn hard and there still isn’t enough. Those feelings of scarcity can often lead to entitlement. This is dangerous territory, because who likes to spend time with folks who are entitled?

You might be coming from a place of scarcity if you experience any of these thoughts:

• I don’t have enough energy for this.
• I don’t have time for bullshit.
• I don’t have enough to share.
• Why should I have to tell him/show him/teach him how I like to be treated? Shouldn’t he just know?
• I do enough – why should I have to make the first move?
• Men should court me.
• I don’t have time to waste on anything below my standards.

If you are tired, overwhelmed, overworked and on the verge of burnout, I know all of those feelings are true. I’ve been there. The thing is, a perception of there never being enough will not remotely create the possibility for the relationship you want.

In fact, you’ll likely attract men who are needy and want more of your time than you’re willing to give.

How to flip the scarcity switch to one of more than enough? 

There are a couple of things to do here. The first is to look at how scarcity serves you? How do people respond to you when you say things like, “I’m really busy,” or “I don’t have enough time for that”? How do you make yourself feel better for living in a scarcity mindset?

You probably get attention, some empathy, and lots of commiserating. (Because pretty much everyone and their dog LOVES to talk about how busy they are. They try to one-up you with their busy-ness, I’d be willing to bet.)

You also probably get let off the hook for doing anything about getting the relationship that you want. Saying you don’t have time, aren’t willing to tolerate anything less than you deserve, etc, is a great way to avoid the deeper desire you have for love. It’s a way you tell yourself that it’s ok that you don’t have it right now. But…it’s an excuse. (If you really want it, you can have it, no matter how much you have going on.)

Telling ourselves that there isn’t enough is another form of settling. We act as if we don’t have a choice about getting less than we want in life.

Ready to be done with that bullshit?

In order to have what you really want, you have to make sure that your beliefs (and your resulting words and actions) reflect that you can have what you want.

One way to do that is to turn those scarcity beliefs above into different beliefs that reflect the reality you’d like to experience.

Instead of:

• I don’t have enough energy for this —> I have plenty of energy for all the things that are important.
• I don’t have time for bullshit —> I have time to play and be lighthearted.
• I don’t have enough to share —> I have more than enough to share.
• Why should I have to tell him/show him/teach him how I like to be treated? Shouldn’t he just know? —> I am more than happy to take responsibility for having what I want, and that includes showing a willing man how I like to be treated.
• I do enough – why should I have to make the first move? —> I enjoy and appreciate being pursued by men.
• Men should court me. —> I enjoy expressing what I want and I know the difference between that and over-investing in men who aren’t interested in me.
• I don’t have time to waste on anything below my standards. —> I have a clear picture of what makes a man a good match for me.

Doesn’t that feel better?

Even if the actual statement of belief reflects the same idea, using different words to describe having what you want in positive terms makes it all feel different. Better. More possible.

Are you ready to have the relationship that you really want without settling? In the comments below, let me know what is one scarcity belief you have currently, and what you want to change it to. Can’t wait to hear!